My Can Opener is a Piece of Shit

It doesn't work properly, so the can always ends up with little skipped sections in varying spots so that the lid is still attached.  I need to buy a new one, but I'm dumb forgetful, so instead I end up taking a fork or butter knife or whatever to wedge the lid the rest of the way off.

That didn't work out so well today.  I hurt myself!

 

Ouch!

I'm not really sure how it happened, but as I was prying the lid up, the can slipped and the part of the lid that I'd succeeded in detaching attacked me.  It didn't really hurt (that came later) but it freaked me the hell out and I ran around my kitchen shaking my hand and spewing obscenities.

Then, the pain kicked in.  Yes, it's as painful as it looks.  But I'm a champ and pictures needed to be taken!

After that, I figured I should probably clean it or something.  I'm not very prepared, so the best I could do was dish detergent and rubbing alcohol.  It was horrible.  We didn't have any bandaids either, but it was still bleeding pretty badly, so I got creative!

 

Hooray!

Yep.  I wrapped it with toilet paper.  I was going to tape it in place, but I'm even less prepared than I thought, because I don't have any tape, either.  So, I wrapped it tightly with a piece of ribbon (I chose red, because it's pretty) and tied it all in place.  That actually turned out to be a great idea because the tighter I pulled the ribbon, the better it felt.

Unfortunately, I didn't have too much time to be proud of myself because almost immediately after, George came home and wanted to know why there was blood all over the kitchen.  I showed him my innovative bandaid alternative, but he insisted on seeing the wound to make sure my thumb wasn't going to fall off or anything.  He was not nearly as impressed as I was, but he decided it would probably be fine.

At one point, I wrapped the whole thing in a condom so it would stay dry while I showered.  I wish I'd have taken pictures of that, but I didn't think of it.

My goal for tomorrow is to go to the store and buy a new can opener.  A good one that will work for longer than two days.  I have a feeling I won't forget this time.