Oh Lord, You Got a Snake Head in the Green Beans!

So, when I started this, I meant to update daily.  It was one of my New Year's resolutions, actually.  I'm pretty bummed about how awful I've been about it this week.  First, some good stuff happened.  Then, some neutral stuff happened, followed immediately by some bad stuff, then some more good stuff.  Basically, just a bunch of stuff, and unfortunately, it's all either embarrassing, boring, or simply does not belong on the blog.  In any case, I'm great, life is happy, and I hope to be back to blogging daily.

Since I really don't have any particular direction in my life at the moment, I like to keep myself sharp by setting little goals for the day.  Sometimes they're real goals, but they're usually nonsense, created for no other reason than to trick myself into thinking I've accomplished something.  Today's goal fell into the latter category.

I should probably explain the back story behind this, but it's almost more fun to let everyone take it where they wish.  My goal today was to slip the phrase, "Oh Lord, you got a snake head in the green beans!" into as many conversations as possible.  I had an incredibly successful day today!


First, George came home this morning, ranting about a co-worker.  Could I get it in before 9AM?  Yes.  Yes, I could!

Me:  Oh Lord!  You got a snake head in the green beans, don't you?
George:  (irritated look) So anyway, rantrantrantrantrant....

Yes!  One down!  Even if it did earn me George's patented stop-being-dumb look.


We had an appointment with Pie's nutritionist today.  After 3.5 years of people asking me what's wrong with her, I feel the need to be proactive here.  Pie's underweight.  A lot.  There's nothing wrong with her, she's just really petite.  Her first pediatrician accused me of starving her and more or less threatened me with children's services.  It was really scary, and I cried for a week, then I decided to do something about it.  I switched pediatricians and we began seeing a nutritionist.  Both the new pediatrician and the nutritionist (as well as the lactation consultant I was seeing at that time) worked together to assure me nothing was wrong and I was doing great.  The nutritionist really gave me a lot of good ideas, and Pie's still really underweight, so we still see her.  She's fantastic, covered in awesome sauce and loaded with spectacular sprinkles.  Seriously.  Anyway, that's not really relevant, just me being defensive.  And probably over-sharing again.


So, on the way there, I thought it would be a good idea to try it on Pie.

Me:  Oh Lord, you got a snake head in the green beans!
Pie:  Snake head?  Whatsa snake head?
Me:  A snake head.  Like the head of a snake.
Pie:  Does it have a pointy tongue?
Me:  Yes.
Pie:  What?
Me:  The snake head.
Pie:  What snake head?

In retrospect, targeting Pie was a stupid idea.  She forgot about it halfway through the conversation, but somehow remembered enough to bring it up at random and irritating intervals throughout the day.  I guess I now know how George feels.


Our visit with the nutritionist went fairly well.  Pie hasn't gained any weight in four months, but she hasn't lost any, either.  I also got a third one in.

Awesome Nutritionist:  Well, she's still just over 26 pounds.
Me:  Oh Lord!  That's truly a snake head in the green beans.
Awesome Nutritionist:  Well, I wou--  Wait, what?
Me:  A snake head.  In the green beans.
Awesome Nutritionist:  Okay.  You don't need to worry, though.

I could tell she was trying not to laugh, which made me really happy.  If the rest of the day sucked, at least I had that!


After the nutritionist appointment, I took Pie to McDonald's.  Now that I think about it, I probably should have taken her home and made a fresh and healthy meal, but McDonald's is one of those win-win places.  She can enjoy the company of other children in that grime covered cesspool known as the play place, and I can neglect her in favor of the free WiFi.  Super!


I ordered our food, looking for an opportunity the whole time.  Then, I got one!

Me:  Ooh!  And a shamrock shake!
McDonald's Lady:  I'm sorry, the shake machine isn't working.
Me:  Oh Lord!  If that isn't a snake head in the green beans!  Oh...  I guess just a coffee then.


While enjoying my little internet break, strange people joined us in the kiddie area.  One of them kept trying to see what I was doing on the computer, which was annoying as hell, mostly because I was doing something that may be construed as inappropriate.  Or at least embarrassing.  I managed to shake her off, but then I was further violated by a crazy person.  And coming from me, the term "crazy person" means something.

Crazy Person:  How's it goin'?
Me:  (I didn't realize he was crazy at this point.)  Outstanding.  You?
Crazy Person:  Outstanding?  Really?  That's good.
There was a little more small talk, then the crazy part came out.
Crazy Person:  You know I died once?
Me:  Umm...
Crazy Person:  I spent four days in heaven, then I went to hell for four days.  Hell was really bad.
Me:  ... Yeah, I'd imagine it would be...
Crazy Person:  Next time I die, I only want to go to heaven.
Me:  Well, I hope you do.  Hey, Pie...  Get your boots on.
Crazy Person:  I'm not sure I will.
Me:  (Suddenly remembering my goal)  Yeah, that would really be a snake head in the green beans...


Then, I silently kicked myself.  Baiting the crazy guy was probably not a good idea.  But you know what?  He stopped telling me about hell and looked at me like I was the weirdo!  What!?  As we left, I also realized that between the "How ya doin?" and dying and coming back to life thing, I missed out on what will very likely be the best opportunity I'll ever have to make a bunch of Tangled references.  I'm still disappointed in myself.  I mean, I guess the complete lack of sanity is a reasonable excuse, but still...  How did I miss that?


Of course, no day is complete without a call from my mom.

Mom:  Did you go to church yesterday?
Me:  No, I forgot.  What a snake head in the green beans, eh?
Mom:  How did you forget?  It's pretty important, you know...

At this point, my mom has figured out just to ignore me.  Go mom!


And just to round out the day, I got one more in with George before he left.

Me:  You go take care of that snake head in the green beans!

That's why he loves me.  I'm always thinking of him.


All in all, I count today as an incredible success!  And yes, before anyone points it out, I am aware that I don't exactly have the highest expectations for myself.  It's cool.  Someone great once told me that expectations only lead to disappointment.  And now that I've worked that phrase into my blog entry, I have accomplished my second goal for the day.  That is no snake head in the green beans!

It's good to be back.

ETA:  Every speck of credit for this entry goes to my lovely friend, J-Pan and her amazing early morning Google skills!