Some Bad and Some Good

My husband's mom was not old.  She was not in particularly bad health.  A few years ago, she had a nasty battle with ovarian cancer, almost dying twice then, but she didn't.  She beat the cancer, and has actually been doing great.  It was a routine surgery, a minor, routine surgery, one she's been through dozens of times.  Yeah, every surgery is risky and all that, but death?  Death never crossed anyone's mind.  She was 54.  She beat cancer.  She had a minor, routine surgery, came home, bled out and died.  How the hell does that happen?

George's uncle died earlier this year.  He was also in his early 50's.  In fact, a lot of George's family seems to have a life expectancy around that age.  People in my family live forever.  90's or at least late 80's.  This scares the shit out of me.  I know there's not really any point thinking about it, but when it's in my face like this, I can't help it.  I'm terrified he will die young and I'll have 30 or 40 years to live without him.  It's one of the two worst, most morbid and horrifying things I've ever considered.

I mentioned this to one of my cousins when she called.  She told me I should probably get a job so I won't have to worry about it.  What?  Really?  That's actually the one thing that I wouldn't be worried about.  We have a fairly airtight plan that would allow me to continue to be home with Pie and ease into work gradually if and when I chose to.  We have a similar set up that would allow him to leave work to be home with her if anything happened to me.  That's not really what I'm afraid of.

I moved in with him when I was 18.  For my entire adult life, it's been me and him.  We did everything, almost entirely on our own, and we worked really hard to get to where we are.  Above everything else, he's my very best friend and I'm pretty sure if anything did happen to him, I would break completely.  No, maybe not, I think I'd be able to hold myself together for Pie, but I don't know.  And if Pie is grown up enough to not be fully dependent on me, I don't think so.  Like I said, I know it's not worth thinking about, but I can't help it.

In brighter news, I got to see one of my favorite friends today!  My main mission the past couple days has been dealing with arrangements, working things out with his employer, fielding calls from well meaning people he doesn't feel like talking to, baking--I will eventually post pics of the insanity in my kitchen, and keeping Pie occupied.  So, we took her back to the science center today.  It was, once again, a super time, especially getting to have more time with my awesome friend.

I always considered myself more or less unchanged by motherhood.  I mean, okay, my shoe collection has taken a hit.  Sure, I left my job.  And there's a car seat in my car, (usually) a cookie in my pocket, and I catch myself quoting kids' movies enough that I should probably be embarrassed.  But none of those things really define me, and I really thought I was the same person.

Today, after Pie was strapped in and I started the car, I joined my friend outside for a smoke.  I made an offhand comment, something like, "It's like I'm the person I used to be, only with no job and too much time on my hands."

Friend absolutely agreed.  "I was just thinking, Kendra's back!"

That got me thinking.  I really hadn't realized I was gone, but I guess I sort of was.  I haven't really been unhappy in years, but the past couple months have been particularly excellent.  I think this blog has something to do with it.  And she's right, I am back.  That makes me smile.

On a side note, I don't know how much I'll be around the next few days, with the funeral and making the food and all, but I'll return sooner rather than later and hopefully with more upbeat (and interesting) posting.